Tag Archives: spirituality

One Fine Day

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ChampagnePicture it: Hollywood, California, December 31st, 2019. I, along with every patron at the Scum and Villainy Cantina, were singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” at the top of our lungs as we waited to ring in the new year with champagne in our hands and hope in our hearts. When the clock struck midnight, the theme from Star Wars blared loudly in the bar and the nerds shouted for joy as we all anticipated not just a glorious new year, but a bright, sparkly, new decade. Ah… we were all so young and so naive.

Since you, like everyone else in this world, have a front row seat to the madness that is the pandemic we’re living in, I don’t need to go into detail about what happened next in the lives of the joyful nerds. And I’m sure that you, very much like me, are exhausted from hearing anything related to this topic. But since we’re here, let’s get real about one unexpected side effect of this virus that has hit most, if not all of us: a loss of hope for the future.

When I was chilling in the cantina that night, I spent part of the time daydreaming about what the year might hold. I thought positively about possible career changes, relationships, moving to a new city, and felt a burst of excitement just dreaming about the possibilities. I was 110% confident that 2020 would just be different. Well, I guess I was partially right.

As news of the virus and city closures began to spread, I realized more and more how much life and everyday human experiences were being robbed from us all. People postponed, canceled, or severely scaled down weddings, proms, and graduation ceremonies, birthdays were left uncelebrated, celebrated virtually, or never lived to see, people lost jobs, closed businesses, and the tight spot some were already in – financially, relationally, and emotionally – before this all began got even tighter. As you know, that’s just a small sample of what’s been lost.

I fall somewhere in that last category: the people who were already in a tight spot and life just got tighter. My hopes for career and relationship changes came to a screeching halt (hard to get a job when no one’s hiring and not easy to date or meet people when you’re under stay-at-home orders), plans to move were put even further out of reach, and the new social circles and projects I started to engage in were all put on pause until we could figure out how to adjust to this new normal. I was already living on low supply of hope for my future and now, with all this pandemic business, I was running on fumes.

I know that this loss of hope and how we’re living through this time in history looks different for all of us. My losses and disappointments aren’t as severe as what others are dealing with, and yet, are also greater than others. But the common thread is that we’re all, in one way or another, dealing with some form of grief: the grief of what is, what was, and what could have been. This type of grief hit many of us in our lives long before covid even came to be – so the fortunate thing about that is because we’ve already been infected, there are tools to help us combat the infection.

First step, limit your intake of the news or conversation about what’s happening in your internal and external worlds. I’m not telling you to stop communicating about what’s going on in your life or the world or large, I’m just saying to slow your roll a bit. Think of it this way: even your favorite snack becomes too much when it’s served in large quantities at every meal and you’re forced to eat every bite. I mean, even taco Tuesday could lose its glory if every day is taco day and you can’t even pair it with chips and salsa – it gets to be too much. The point is that it’s good to be informed and have conversation about real-life topics, but there is such a thing as oversaturation and it will tear away at your mental health and capacity for hope.

Second step, focus on the present moment. That can range anywhere from stopping to remind yourself to breathe to focusing on not burning the 150th loaf of bread you’re baking to hard core jamming out to a favorite song. Basically, just do your best to focus on any shred of normalcy in your day that you possibly can. As difficult as it may be (speaking from experience here), if you focus too much on the past or look too far ahead into the future, you will (not might, will) lose your mind. Stay present.

Lastly, the third and equally important step is to find the good in your world (it’s out there). Not gonna lie, some of my joys that have resulted from this weird time in history have been my mostly clear social calendar and not having to drive all over God’s green earth to get from point A to point B most days of the week. And I know this is a controversial opinion, but I LOVE the marked out spaces in the store aisles because now people aren’t getting all up in my business when I’m just trying to buy some essential items – I really don’t want this to go away and I’ll miss it when it inevitably will.

This is not the end of the story – this is just a super horrible, dramatic, nauseating plot twist in an adventurous tale where you, the conquering hero, will win. So do everything you can to push through and maintain hope because the days of champagne, sing-a-longs, and abundant toilet paper for all will return and you’ll come out of this better and stronger than before. Hang in there, buttercup. You got this!

Zombie

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SOTDIf you haven’t spent at least one precious hour and a half of your life watching the great cinematic masterpiece that is Shaun of the Dead, please, at some point during your lifetime, watch this movie. To give you a recap (this does matter to the rest of this post, I promise), our hero, Shaun, is just trudging through his monotonous life when a virus takes over the world and starts turning people into zombies. One day he’s just going about his business and the next he finds himself in the middle of global chaos just trying to make sense of it all.

Sound familiar? I bet it does.

Well, friends, here we are living in the middle of the pages of a future history book. Our world came to a screeching halt – and, much like Shaun, we’re trying to wrap our minds around what’s happening and cling to any bit of normalcy and human connection we can (from a safe, six-foot distance, of course).

At least, unlike Shaun, we don’t have to worry about zombies, right? Uh… right? Well, actually, we do. Due to the horrific nature of this widespread virus, there are other side effects that are spreading globally that can be caught by those who may never contract the actual disease. Side effects include but are not limited to: fear, anxiety, stress, hopelessness, depression, etc. In essence, the very things that may cause one to just shut down and go into full zombie mode… without all the biting… hopefully.

Fortunately, since I am a consumer of zombie films and television and have watched Shaun of the Dead a hundred times over, I can make a few expert recommendations on how to navigate through this zombie land and flatten the curve of these side effects. Here we go…

Stay On Guard

Your first line of defense is to just be aware that the zombies are real and can appear out of nowhere. For example, one minute you’re sitting there enjoying a quarantine perk (i.e., finally watching everything that’s been saved on your dvr for the past two years, etc.) and all of a sudden, for whatever reason, you’re hit with a tidal wave of anxiety and you’ve lost the ability to relax and breathe (it happens, I’ve been there).

So the best way to stay on guard is to: 1.) Acknowledge that you’re not immune to the zombies, 2.) Be aware of your emotions and how you’re processing through them and, 3.) Be mindful that even though you may not be “bitten” or scared of the predators doesn’t mean that those around you haven’t been affected and may need some backup. It all starts with awareness of yourself and others.

Prep Your Arsenal

Now that you’re aware that the threat is real, you need to choose your weapons. Even though some attacks are unexpected and you have to grab whatever’s available to you at the time, you’re much better off if you’re already packing.

I think everyone’s weapons will look a bit different, but it comes down to choosing the (healthy) things that will help you combat the zombies. Weapons can look like: having a trusted, fantastic human being you can connect with daily, stepping outside for fresh air, drinking some tea or hot cocoa at the end of your day, chilling out and playing a video game, or just pretty much anything that can be associated with happiness, rest, and playtime.

Like I said, our weapons will look different and will need to be changed up depending on the size and amount of zombies – some days tacos are enough for me while other days require tacos, tears, tequila, and tissues – but so long as you have your weapons of choice at the ready, you’ll be prepared to fend off whatever comes your way.

Build Your Army

You can’t survive zombie land on your own – you need your homies. Yep. It’s as simple as that. You need people and people need you. We’re all trying to figure out how to make it through all of this and a great way for us all to fend off the zombies is to stay connected, be kind, offer support, and also be brave enough to ask for help and connection as needed. Speak up. You’re not alone.

Remind Them (And Yourself) Who’s Boss

One thing remains true in every zombie story: the people who usually get eaten first are the ones who convince themselves they can’t win – they give up before the fight even starts. Next thing you know, they’re zombie food. However, renowned heroes of the zombie worlds (i.e., Shaun, Michonne, Tallahassee, etc.) go into the fight with a healthy dose of confidence that they’re going to win. So it comes down to choice: you’re either going to let the zombies consume you without even trying to fight or you’re going to go in, guns blazing, and remind them who’s boss.

Rise And Shine

This is your moment to decide if you’re going to rise or if you’re going to crumble. At the beginning of the movie, Shaun was barely motivated to go to the convenience store much less fight off a zombie. But as the pressure increased and the fight got harder, Shaun kicked into gear, led an army of warriors, and didn’t let the zombies overtake him. It’s not to say he was never overwhelmed or scared – he was – but he made a choice to fight and rise to the occasion regardless of how his odds for survival may have appeared.

This is a scary, stressful, uncertain time we’re all living in and it’s difficult to push through. I get it – the zombies are everywhere. However, you can and you will defeat the zombies. And when it’s all over, we’ll meet up at the Winchester for a nice, cold pint.

(NOTE: Seriously, you gotta watch that movie because it makes my closing line that much more spectacular.)

If I Could Turn Back Time

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The-Prince-of-Egypt-1998Full disclosure, this post is not about Cher nor is it an exegesis of the timeless classic that inspired the name of this post. Just wanted to disappoint you now before you continued to travel along with me on this Cher-less journey.

Speaking of disappointment, let’s get down to it and talk about the past…

February is a tough month for me. Actually, February is tough for a lot of people mostly because of the poop parade that is Valentine’s Day (I’m clearly not a fan of that fabricated holiday), but that’s just more fuel on my wildfire. The reason this month is tough is because it reminds me of some especially good moments in my life, the brief window where everything felt right and my heart and mind was still firmly intact. For me, processing through painful moments is much easier than reflecting on the good stuff because the good stuff was pretty good… or at least I thought it was.

As it turns out, the good times I’m alluding to and don’t feel much like going into detail about weren’t all that great. Retrospect and gaining information that was not afforded to me at the time, showed me that I was living in the matrix and what I thought was good and real and true was all a facade. Still, despite the knowledge I now possess and the amount of time that has passed, when this time of year rolls around (and, let’s be honest, many times before and after), I still think about and long to be back in that time and space, safely tucked inside my happy ball of disillusionment.

But here’s the thing: I am not the first nor will I be the last to struggle with longing for what’s behind me even if what is gone was not actually good. If you’ve ever watched or heard of the AMAZING animated feature The Prince of Egypt (the book is better), it’s the true story (with some artistic license) about Moses leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt and toward the promised land – it’s pretty epic.

Anyway, if the movie had a sequel, it would most likely be about their excruciatingly long journey to the promised land. Even though the best was ahead of them, the people struggled to keep their focus forward and often voiced their longing to go back to Egypt where things like food and water were in guaranteed supply. Although free from a life of slavery, the uncertainties and hardships of the desert journey skewed their retrospect and made them long for a more painful and oppressive life that was, to them, more comfortable and secure.

I used to scoff at the dumbness of the Israelites who longed for slavery over freedom until I found myself in a similar situation. I’ve spent far too many days longing for the (false) good times and wishing I were given the opportunity to relive and rewrite history. I’ve found myself thinking, “Well, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all” or “I really miss this person” or worse, “I messed everything up. It was my fault that things turned out the way they did.” I was so broken, tired, and insecure about the future that I lost sight of the muck I was really freed from and how so much greater is ahead of me.

I’m not saying good memories are actually bad or that you can’t look back on your past with fondness – Lord knows how many truly good times and people I miss that I wish I could go back to. But when whatever desert you’re roaming through becomes especially treacherous and difficult to navigate, it’s tempting to rewrite or romanticize the things that were, in all reality, a source of oppression rather than freedom.

So what do we do? How do we leave Egypt in Egypt and press on to a life of freedom, hope, and healing even though the path to our promised lands is filled with uncertainty? To be perfectly honest, I don’t fully know the answer to those questions. We’re all on different journeys and require different methods. What’s worked for me, however, is time, community, forward focus, and gratitude.

First, time. The further you get away from Egypt, the better you can see your promised land and gain true perspective on the oppression you were living in. It doesn’t always make the journey through the desert any easier, but it helps. Second, community. You’re not in this alone. I’ll write more about this later, but I can’t stress enough how valuable my community has been in my healing process over the past few years. Whether your community comes in the form of friends, family, pastors, or counselors, just know that the best way to stay out of Egypt is to surround yourself with those who cheer you on to keep moving ahead and remind you of the truth of your past and your future. Third, forward focus. You can’t successfully move forward if you’re always looking behind you. Find ways to keep you focused on your promised land. Whether that’s creating vision boards, starting projects that will help you make progress toward your goals and/or new self, or whatever that looks like for you, just take action to keep your eyes focused ahead on the life of freedom, healing, and wholeness that you deserve. Lastly, practice gratitude. Thank God for what you were freed from, thank Him for what lies ahead, thank Him for the struggles (past and present) that have shaped who you are and who you will become, and thank Him for the “what could have beens” that He no doubtedly saved you from. It really makes a difference to be intentionally thankful and speak out your gratitude that Egypt is behind you and the promised land is yet to come (or has arrived!).

And while I’m not leaving this month without having acquired a few bumps and bruises along the way, I am closing it out feeling even more freer from my Egypt than I’ve ever been before and with a deep confidence that a redemption greater than I can hope for or imagine is on its way. And the same is possible for you. Keep on keeping on, weary travelers. Egypt’s got nothing on your promised land.

Band of Gold

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Sometimes I really don’t know if owning up to my nerdy interests is hurting or helping my social life.  I’m the kind of girl who reads for fun (gasp!), digs superheroes, loves British television (Downton Abbey, Doctor Who – I’m officially in love with the 10th Doctor, btw), and would much rather attend Comic Con than a girly tea party any day… unless that tea party happens to take place in London in which case I’m grabbing my biggest hat and heading out the door (supposing a Tardis isn’t already available, of course – see Doctor Who reference).

But whether or not you’re as well versed in the nerd culture as I am, you’ve probably heard a thing or two about the fandom that is the Lord of the Rings.  You know, hobbits, wizards, creepy, balding, bipolar creatures obsessed with jewelry – that stuff, them peoples.  The movies are epic, the books are… difficult, and the soundtrack is inspiring.  It’s the stuff that great novels and their spin-offs are made of.

One of the more famous characters from the Lord of the Rings franchise is Gollum.  He’s that creepy, bone thin, overly cooked hot dog, wide-eyed, creature who openly expresses his obsession with “the ring.”  The sight of him creeps me out and every time he calls the ring his “prrreeccciouuuusss” I just want to throw him in the river.  Yes, I feel that passionately about him.

However, as much as I don’t like him, he’s probably, in my opinion, one of the most well written characters throughout literary history.  Tolkien didn’t settle on creating Gollum to be a one-dimensional character; Gollum is, in one body, two people.  He is Gollum (the evil version of himself) and Smeagol (the nicer, yet equally creepy version of himself).

Gollum is the guy who is overcome with selfishness, greed, and obsession.  Smeagol, meanwhile, hates the ring for the way it has overtaken his life.  He wants the ring destroyed because the ring is destroying him.

I don’t know if Tolkien purposely wrote this character to show the human battle between flesh and spirit and right and wrong, but that’s exactly what he did by creating this literary enigma.

There was one time in my very early years when in a toy store I spotted a kid-sized red car with a yellow top.  According to my parents’ legend, I climbed in the car and it was a… “struggle” to get me out.  They said I never reacted that way to any toy and was never the kind of kid to get all crazy over stuff like that.  I’m still not, but I’m pretty sure if you put me in a Camaro or Dodge Challenger I’d have a similar reaction – just sayin’.

As it turns out, I did end up getting that car.  Just to clarify, my parents didn’t buy it for me that day – they didn’t reward bratty behavior and they’d definitely be the first ones to ship me off to Singapore if I ever acted like “that kid.”  Although my parents recognized my extreme passion for motor vehicles and would give me the world if they could, they understood the value of raising someone who isn’t given what they want simply because they demanded or felt entitled to receive it.  I’m thankful for having parents who know how to give me what I need over what I want.

I can say with 100% certainty this instance was the first and last time a material possession caused that kind of reaction in me.  I’ve learned that stuff is just stuff and if I really want something then I’ll work to get it and be content if it never becomes mine.  I am a non-material girl living in a material world.

My dreams on the other hand have become my “rings.”  Getting married, having the dream job, etc., have at one time or another turned me into the Gollum/Smeagol character.  These things, while certainly not bad in and of themselves, have caused me to act, well, crazy.  I’ve cried, whined, yelled, kicked, screamed – all the things extreme fits are made of.  At times, I’ve gotten so focused on WHAT I think my dreams should look like and WHEN I think they should happen that instead of being content and trusting in God’s plan and timing I straight up turn into a Gollum.

Fortunately, God – in all His love, grace, and mercy towards me – hasn’t given in to my crazy fits or demands.  He’s helped the Smeagol to overtake the Gollum in me and has given me the strength to overcome that nasty, obsessive, think I know better than the Creator of the Universe, mentality.

Yes, it’s an ongoing process, but He’s teaching me how to let go of my will so that His can be done.  And so far I’ve found that His way and timing (though not always to my liking) is far better than my own.  Oh to think of the bullets I have dodged.

Whatever your “rings” are in your life, stick ‘em in your pocket and continue on in your journey.  Yep, they’re going to call out to you, tempt you, and drive you crazy until you reach your destination, but it’s far better to own the ring than to be owned by the ring.

So carry on, Hobbits! Enjoy the journey and remember that the Author of your life knows the beginning, end, and every twist of your story.  You are His precious.

Pour Some Sugar On Me

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A Lego portrayal of the Israelites and manna. I couldn't have thought of a better picture if I tried!

I still remember the day I went to see “The Prince of Egypt” in the movie theater.  Growing up in the church, it fascinated me to see a famous bible story portrayed on the big screen.  Even with “Ice Man” (a.k.a. Val Kilmer) doing the voices for Moses and God, I was still able to watch this movie as if I were looking through a window into the past.

The movie did a pretty good job showing how this point in history was a terrifying, hopeful, epic, and miraculous event.  Of course, it also showed what a flawed man Moses was and how God STILL used him despite his past, fears, and insecurities.  That’s not something you see very often in cinema.

The other thing you don’t see or hear of very often is the story of what happened after God used Moses to deliver His people from Pharoah’s tyranny.  The story (and God) didn’t just stop at freeing the Israelites from slavery – no, God wanted to lead them to a promised land, a land flowing with milk and honey.  I think my promised land might also include some steak, bacon, chocolate, tortillas, salsa, a little bit of cilantro, grilled onions, and Diet Pepsi in its most perfect form as served up by Taco Bell (it’s true – theirs is the best).  Mmm, yeah.

Actually, that heart unfriendly food list was a pretty good segue into this next point.  For whatever reason, it took God’s people forty years to reach the promised land, and along the way they needed some provisions to complete the journey, namely food.  The story goes that the people prayed for food and God sent down manna from heaven.  Manna is basically this wafer type stuff that God would spread on the ground, the people would gather it, pound it together, and bake little cakes out of it.  So, pretty much like scones from heaven… as most scones are, in my opinion.

Anyway, this was all the Israelites were allowed to eat during their journey.  Whatever God allotted them for that day was what they had to live on.  If they tried to store some for the next day, it would decay, worms would grow in it, and it was just straight up nasty.  No one wants to own that scone.

It took a long time (just growing up and having life experiences, really) for me to see that there was a point in the way God provided for His people: He wanted them to rely on Him alone for their daily needs to be met.  I’m sure many of them questioned why He insisted on forty years of forced vegetarianism (I would have), but I’m also sure they finally reached a point where they no longer worried if they would receive what they needed to survive one day to the next.  The menu may have been a little too predictable, but at least they could count on always being fed.

So this brings me to this morning when I was getting out of the shower.  As I buried my face in my towel I let out a groan mixed with words like, “Why, God?  What is going on?” and the oddest word popped in my head, “manna.”  Weird.  But God, as I know Him anyway, is quirky like that.

Suddenly everything came into focus (and not just because I moved the towel from my face).  I understood that I am in a desert time in my life and God is only providing me manna for this journey, no extras.  This means a couple of things: 1.) I need to be grateful for His daily provision, (i.e. food on the table, roof over my head, love from family & friends), 2.) Instead of getting caught up in where my life has been, where it’s going, or even what’s going to happen tomorrow, I need to just trust God to get me through today, and 3.) This desert journey is only a temporary journey and I best learn what God wants to teach me as quickly and efficiently as possible so I can get out of here a.s.a.p.!

Sure, it’s not easy transitioning from days of feasting (hello CNN!) to the days of the one item menu (hello unemployment), but it’s all for good reason.  I don’t know what God is preparing me to do or who He’s shaping me to be, but I’m sure this desert wandering (and trust me, I’m wandering) is so I’ll be ready to play when it’s my turn to step up to the plate.  It’s all very Mr. Miyagi making Daniel-san paint the fence so he knows how to fight (rent the o.g. “Karate Kid”, people).

I don’t know how long this desert living is going to last – I hope not much longer – but I have to take a cue from the Israelites and continue to rely on God and God alone to provide my manna one day at a time.  It’s not the feast I am desperately craving, but the manna menu is only temporary.  I just need to remember that even though I’m not gnawing on the fattened calf, my daily needs are still being met by a loving, though sometimes hard to understand, God.  And maybe, just maybe He’ll let me negotiate a side of honey butter and a latte while I tumble with the tumbleweeds :).