Tag Archives: encouragement

Anti-Hero

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So…. turns out it’s been four years and three months since my last post. At that time, we were one month into the pandemic, we blinked, and now we’re here. Wow.

Thinking about everything that’s happened in my life since that post, it’s no wonder many of the things I’ve written over the past few years have stayed in my drafts folder—life kicked the shit out of me and I just didn’t have it in me to finish writing anything. I won’t go into detail about what happened over the last four years (not in this post anyway), but I learned about loss, grief, pain, and anxiety—and sometimes joy and breakthrough—in new and sometimes horrifying ways.

The purpose of this resurrection post is not just to get back on the writing saddle, but to tell you about the unexpected outcome of life kicking me in the balls: I became brave.

Stating the obvious here, but bravery comes in different forms. For example, my goddaughter Kiahna has competed in weightlifting competitions and is fierce AF. Not many can do what this girl does (definitely not me) and I trust that she’d protect me in most situations. MOST, being the key word here.

One day when we were out getting tacos, a bee came for her plate and she instantly jumped up and started panicking and lightly screaming (a perfectly logical reaction). Without a second thought, I stared that bee square in its bee face and started swatting and swearing at it until it left Kiahna and her tacos alone. My little damsel in distress then said to me, “You’re so brave!” and I instantly felt like the newest member of the Avengers. So as you can see, bravery is relative. She can lift weights and probably throw them at your face, but I’ll be the one to defend you and your tacos from unwanted guests.

Anyway, the bravery badge I earned as a result of the past four years is the bravery to be my true self, in all her messy, weird, and glorious forms. I don’t feel the need to show all my cards ever, but I’m done presenting a severely edited version of myself to the world. Editing myself all these years has proven to be constricting and painful and caused me to hold myself back from living the life I was truly meant to live.

It’s pretty much that whole concept of being backed into a corner, and now you have to make the decision of whether or not you’re going to fight or cower. And after everything I’ve been through over the last four years, cowering was no longer an option so I decided to suck it up, start fighting, and only give a fuck about what God thinks of me and what I think about myself… which, as you can see, also involves a light amount of swearing from time to time and not feeling guilty about it.

I can’t blame it on any one thing as to why it’s taken me this long to just be free to be me. I mean, it’s definitely rooted in fear, I can say that much, but whether it’s been my own insecurities or the expectation of others (real or imagined) that have been placed on me, I learned that I’m much more likely to live in fullness and abundance if I just let go, take my seat at the table, and not be afraid to take my rightful place in this world.

Has this process been easy? No. Am I scared shitless? Absolutely. Will people’s opinions of me begin to change based on how I’m living my life now? Probably. Do I care? Not at all. I am and will continue to be and promote being a good human—just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I DON’T CARE—it’s just that now I’m no longer going to allow myself or anyone else to hold me back from being my true self.

And for the record, here’s a few things that have changed (so far) as a result of this new way of living: 1.) The fear of being stagnant in my life became greater than my fear of flying, and I’ve since gone on three epic trips to the east coast,  2.) I went out with and was eventually ghosted by a cute guy, but because of the healing I’ve gone through, I was able to give him the metaphorical middle finger and move on with my life quite quickly, 3.) I walked away from a toxic work environment, with no job prospect on the horizon, because I knew that if I was going to die it wasn’t going to be because of the stress resulting from working for a vile boss, and 4.) My creativity has blossomed in new ways and I’m finally admitting to myself and the world that I want to be in the acting world and I’m actually taking the steps to get in there.

To sum it up, bravery, when done right, will eventually result in peace. Whether that’s finding peace while you’re standing at the start of something scary and new, confidence that you made the right decision in a difficult time, or simply being at peace that you’re no longer holding the parts of yourself back that are meant to be shared, being brave is worth the fight, even if your greatest opponent is yourself.

So here we go, world. I encourage you to be brave enough to be your true self and to live life to the absolute fullest. It may be nauseating and terrifying at times—trust me, it will be if you’re doing it right—but it’s a whole lotta fun.

One Fine Day

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ChampagnePicture it: Hollywood, California, December 31st, 2019. I, along with every patron at the Scum and Villainy Cantina, were singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” at the top of our lungs as we waited to ring in the new year with champagne in our hands and hope in our hearts. When the clock struck midnight, the theme from Star Wars blared loudly in the bar and the nerds shouted for joy as we all anticipated not just a glorious new year, but a bright, sparkly, new decade. Ah… we were all so young and so naive.

Since you, like everyone else in this world, have a front row seat to the madness that is the pandemic we’re living in, I don’t need to go into detail about what happened next in the lives of the joyful nerds. And I’m sure that you, very much like me, are exhausted from hearing anything related to this topic. But since we’re here, let’s get real about one unexpected side effect of this virus that has hit most, if not all of us: a loss of hope for the future.

When I was chilling in the cantina that night, I spent part of the time daydreaming about what the year might hold. I thought positively about possible career changes, relationships, moving to a new city, and felt a burst of excitement just dreaming about the possibilities. I was 110% confident that 2020 would just be different. Well, I guess I was partially right.

As news of the virus and city closures began to spread, I realized more and more how much life and everyday human experiences were being robbed from us all. People postponed, canceled, or severely scaled down weddings, proms, and graduation ceremonies, birthdays were left uncelebrated, celebrated virtually, or never lived to see, people lost jobs, closed businesses, and the tight spot some were already in – financially, relationally, and emotionally – before this all began got even tighter. As you know, that’s just a small sample of what’s been lost.

I fall somewhere in that last category: the people who were already in a tight spot and life just got tighter. My hopes for career and relationship changes came to a screeching halt (hard to get a job when no one’s hiring and not easy to date or meet people when you’re under stay-at-home orders), plans to move were put even further out of reach, and the new social circles and projects I started to engage in were all put on pause until we could figure out how to adjust to this new normal. I was already living on low supply of hope for my future and now, with all this pandemic business, I was running on fumes.

I know that this loss of hope and how we’re living through this time in history looks different for all of us. My losses and disappointments aren’t as severe as what others are dealing with, and yet, are also greater than others. But the common thread is that we’re all, in one way or another, dealing with some form of grief: the grief of what is, what was, and what could have been. This type of grief hit many of us in our lives long before covid even came to be – so the fortunate thing about that is because we’ve already been infected, there are tools to help us combat the infection.

First step, limit your intake of the news or conversation about what’s happening in your internal and external worlds. I’m not telling you to stop communicating about what’s going on in your life or the world or large, I’m just saying to slow your roll a bit. Think of it this way: even your favorite snack becomes too much when it’s served in large quantities at every meal and you’re forced to eat every bite. I mean, even taco Tuesday could lose its glory if every day is taco day and you can’t even pair it with chips and salsa – it gets to be too much. The point is that it’s good to be informed and have conversation about real-life topics, but there is such a thing as oversaturation and it will tear away at your mental health and capacity for hope.

Second step, focus on the present moment. That can range anywhere from stopping to remind yourself to breathe to focusing on not burning the 150th loaf of bread you’re baking to hard core jamming out to a favorite song. Basically, just do your best to focus on any shred of normalcy in your day that you possibly can. As difficult as it may be (speaking from experience here), if you focus too much on the past or look too far ahead into the future, you will (not might, will) lose your mind. Stay present.

Lastly, the third and equally important step is to find the good in your world (it’s out there). Not gonna lie, some of my joys that have resulted from this weird time in history have been my mostly clear social calendar and not having to drive all over God’s green earth to get from point A to point B most days of the week. And I know this is a controversial opinion, but I LOVE the marked out spaces in the store aisles because now people aren’t getting all up in my business when I’m just trying to buy some essential items – I really don’t want this to go away and I’ll miss it when it inevitably will.

This is not the end of the story – this is just a super horrible, dramatic, nauseating plot twist in an adventurous tale where you, the conquering hero, will win. So do everything you can to push through and maintain hope because the days of champagne, sing-a-longs, and abundant toilet paper for all will return and you’ll come out of this better and stronger than before. Hang in there, buttercup. You got this!

Zombie

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SOTDIf you haven’t spent at least one precious hour and a half of your life watching the great cinematic masterpiece that is Shaun of the Dead, please, at some point during your lifetime, watch this movie. To give you a recap (this does matter to the rest of this post, I promise), our hero, Shaun, is just trudging through his monotonous life when a virus takes over the world and starts turning people into zombies. One day he’s just going about his business and the next he finds himself in the middle of global chaos just trying to make sense of it all.

Sound familiar? I bet it does.

Well, friends, here we are living in the middle of the pages of a future history book. Our world came to a screeching halt – and, much like Shaun, we’re trying to wrap our minds around what’s happening and cling to any bit of normalcy and human connection we can (from a safe, six-foot distance, of course).

At least, unlike Shaun, we don’t have to worry about zombies, right? Uh… right? Well, actually, we do. Due to the horrific nature of this widespread virus, there are other side effects that are spreading globally that can be caught by those who may never contract the actual disease. Side effects include but are not limited to: fear, anxiety, stress, hopelessness, depression, etc. In essence, the very things that may cause one to just shut down and go into full zombie mode… without all the biting… hopefully.

Fortunately, since I am a consumer of zombie films and television and have watched Shaun of the Dead a hundred times over, I can make a few expert recommendations on how to navigate through this zombie land and flatten the curve of these side effects. Here we go…

Stay On Guard

Your first line of defense is to just be aware that the zombies are real and can appear out of nowhere. For example, one minute you’re sitting there enjoying a quarantine perk (i.e., finally watching everything that’s been saved on your dvr for the past two years, etc.) and all of a sudden, for whatever reason, you’re hit with a tidal wave of anxiety and you’ve lost the ability to relax and breathe (it happens, I’ve been there).

So the best way to stay on guard is to: 1.) Acknowledge that you’re not immune to the zombies, 2.) Be aware of your emotions and how you’re processing through them and, 3.) Be mindful that even though you may not be “bitten” or scared of the predators doesn’t mean that those around you haven’t been affected and may need some backup. It all starts with awareness of yourself and others.

Prep Your Arsenal

Now that you’re aware that the threat is real, you need to choose your weapons. Even though some attacks are unexpected and you have to grab whatever’s available to you at the time, you’re much better off if you’re already packing.

I think everyone’s weapons will look a bit different, but it comes down to choosing the (healthy) things that will help you combat the zombies. Weapons can look like: having a trusted, fantastic human being you can connect with daily, stepping outside for fresh air, drinking some tea or hot cocoa at the end of your day, chilling out and playing a video game, or just pretty much anything that can be associated with happiness, rest, and playtime.

Like I said, our weapons will look different and will need to be changed up depending on the size and amount of zombies – some days tacos are enough for me while other days require tacos, tears, tequila, and tissues – but so long as you have your weapons of choice at the ready, you’ll be prepared to fend off whatever comes your way.

Build Your Army

You can’t survive zombie land on your own – you need your homies. Yep. It’s as simple as that. You need people and people need you. We’re all trying to figure out how to make it through all of this and a great way for us all to fend off the zombies is to stay connected, be kind, offer support, and also be brave enough to ask for help and connection as needed. Speak up. You’re not alone.

Remind Them (And Yourself) Who’s Boss

One thing remains true in every zombie story: the people who usually get eaten first are the ones who convince themselves they can’t win – they give up before the fight even starts. Next thing you know, they’re zombie food. However, renowned heroes of the zombie worlds (i.e., Shaun, Michonne, Tallahassee, etc.) go into the fight with a healthy dose of confidence that they’re going to win. So it comes down to choice: you’re either going to let the zombies consume you without even trying to fight or you’re going to go in, guns blazing, and remind them who’s boss.

Rise And Shine

This is your moment to decide if you’re going to rise or if you’re going to crumble. At the beginning of the movie, Shaun was barely motivated to go to the convenience store much less fight off a zombie. But as the pressure increased and the fight got harder, Shaun kicked into gear, led an army of warriors, and didn’t let the zombies overtake him. It’s not to say he was never overwhelmed or scared – he was – but he made a choice to fight and rise to the occasion regardless of how his odds for survival may have appeared.

This is a scary, stressful, uncertain time we’re all living in and it’s difficult to push through. I get it – the zombies are everywhere. However, you can and you will defeat the zombies. And when it’s all over, we’ll meet up at the Winchester for a nice, cold pint.

(NOTE: Seriously, you gotta watch that movie because it makes my closing line that much more spectacular.)

If I Could Turn Back Time

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The-Prince-of-Egypt-1998Full disclosure, this post is not about Cher nor is it an exegesis of the timeless classic that inspired the name of this post. Just wanted to disappoint you now before you continued to travel along with me on this Cher-less journey.

Speaking of disappointment, let’s get down to it and talk about the past…

February is a tough month for me. Actually, February is tough for a lot of people mostly because of the poop parade that is Valentine’s Day (I’m clearly not a fan of that fabricated holiday), but that’s just more fuel on my wildfire. The reason this month is tough is because it reminds me of some especially good moments in my life, the brief window where everything felt right and my heart and mind was still firmly intact. For me, processing through painful moments is much easier than reflecting on the good stuff because the good stuff was pretty good… or at least I thought it was.

As it turns out, the good times I’m alluding to and don’t feel much like going into detail about weren’t all that great. Retrospect and gaining information that was not afforded to me at the time, showed me that I was living in the matrix and what I thought was good and real and true was all a facade. Still, despite the knowledge I now possess and the amount of time that has passed, when this time of year rolls around (and, let’s be honest, many times before and after), I still think about and long to be back in that time and space, safely tucked inside my happy ball of disillusionment.

But here’s the thing: I am not the first nor will I be the last to struggle with longing for what’s behind me even if what is gone was not actually good. If you’ve ever watched or heard of the AMAZING animated feature The Prince of Egypt (the book is better), it’s the true story (with some artistic license) about Moses leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt and toward the promised land – it’s pretty epic.

Anyway, if the movie had a sequel, it would most likely be about their excruciatingly long journey to the promised land. Even though the best was ahead of them, the people struggled to keep their focus forward and often voiced their longing to go back to Egypt where things like food and water were in guaranteed supply. Although free from a life of slavery, the uncertainties and hardships of the desert journey skewed their retrospect and made them long for a more painful and oppressive life that was, to them, more comfortable and secure.

I used to scoff at the dumbness of the Israelites who longed for slavery over freedom until I found myself in a similar situation. I’ve spent far too many days longing for the (false) good times and wishing I were given the opportunity to relive and rewrite history. I’ve found myself thinking, “Well, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all” or “I really miss this person” or worse, “I messed everything up. It was my fault that things turned out the way they did.” I was so broken, tired, and insecure about the future that I lost sight of the muck I was really freed from and how so much greater is ahead of me.

I’m not saying good memories are actually bad or that you can’t look back on your past with fondness – Lord knows how many truly good times and people I miss that I wish I could go back to. But when whatever desert you’re roaming through becomes especially treacherous and difficult to navigate, it’s tempting to rewrite or romanticize the things that were, in all reality, a source of oppression rather than freedom.

So what do we do? How do we leave Egypt in Egypt and press on to a life of freedom, hope, and healing even though the path to our promised lands is filled with uncertainty? To be perfectly honest, I don’t fully know the answer to those questions. We’re all on different journeys and require different methods. What’s worked for me, however, is time, community, forward focus, and gratitude.

First, time. The further you get away from Egypt, the better you can see your promised land and gain true perspective on the oppression you were living in. It doesn’t always make the journey through the desert any easier, but it helps. Second, community. You’re not in this alone. I’ll write more about this later, but I can’t stress enough how valuable my community has been in my healing process over the past few years. Whether your community comes in the form of friends, family, pastors, or counselors, just know that the best way to stay out of Egypt is to surround yourself with those who cheer you on to keep moving ahead and remind you of the truth of your past and your future. Third, forward focus. You can’t successfully move forward if you’re always looking behind you. Find ways to keep you focused on your promised land. Whether that’s creating vision boards, starting projects that will help you make progress toward your goals and/or new self, or whatever that looks like for you, just take action to keep your eyes focused ahead on the life of freedom, healing, and wholeness that you deserve. Lastly, practice gratitude. Thank God for what you were freed from, thank Him for what lies ahead, thank Him for the struggles (past and present) that have shaped who you are and who you will become, and thank Him for the “what could have beens” that He no doubtedly saved you from. It really makes a difference to be intentionally thankful and speak out your gratitude that Egypt is behind you and the promised land is yet to come (or has arrived!).

And while I’m not leaving this month without having acquired a few bumps and bruises along the way, I am closing it out feeling even more freer from my Egypt than I’ve ever been before and with a deep confidence that a redemption greater than I can hope for or imagine is on its way. And the same is possible for you. Keep on keeping on, weary travelers. Egypt’s got nothing on your promised land.

La Vie En Rose

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ImageI realize it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted on this blog.  Part of it has to do with the fact that my well of creativity hath runneth dry, and the other part has to do with the fact that I’ve just been in a weird, dark place in my life.

The reason I’ve come out of hibernation is because I want to share with you something awesome God showed me a short while back.  But first, let me set this up for you.

When I was a tiny coffee bean of a little girl, I was very curious.  I was new to the world and had a lot of questions about how it functioned.  Much to my father’s dismay, he became my personal Google.

My poor dad had to hear this squeaky 3-year-old ask, “Why?” over and over and over again.  I asked questions ranging from “How will I know when I can read?” to “What am I going to be when I grow up?”  You know, the small questions of life (and I swear, I actually asked these questions at this age).

At some point during my seemingly endless line of questioning, I asked my dad how flowers grew.  Instead of just providing a verbal answer, he gave me a visual aid by drawing each step of the growth cycle of a flower.  He then put each picture in a plastic sleeve and bound them together in a folder.  Doing this bought him maybe one minute of relief from my rapid fire of questioning and gave me one of my most treasured possessions.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I had a similar encounter but this time with my Heavenly Father.

Like I said earlier, I had been going through quite the rough season in my life (actually, I still am).  I felt pressed in on every side with no sign of relief and God was the last person I wanted to talk to.  I doubted, I questioned, felt abandoned and forgotten, and only saw darkness surrounding me.

It’s not that everything was going wrong in my life, but I was definitely walking around with a broken heart.  It was a struggle to get up every morning and put on a brave face – some days were easier than others – but my smile was just a cover up for the brokenness I was enduring.

So one day I was just going about my business, not really thinking about much or even seeking God for answers, and I heard him speak to me about the growth of a flower, but from the perspective of a seed.  Fortunately, it didn’t take long for me to realize He was talking about me.

Here’s what God spoke to me: first, the seed (you) is planted in rich soil.  It’s pressed down deep, completely surrounded in darkness.  It can’t see or feel the sun, but it’s there.  It doesn’t know how or when it will sprout, but it will.  A seed cannot see the gardener, but the gardener is there, above ground, tending to the seed, watering it, giving it air and sunshine.

Now, the job of the seed is to be still and allow change to happen in its time.  It will be dark for a while and, at times, uncomfortable as it sprouts roots and starts pushing to the top.  And one day, the seed will not only break through the surface, it will become a beautiful, fragrant flower giving great pleasure to the gardener.

Pretty cool, right?  I thought so.  I also found it terrifying and felt claustrophobic because I understood where I was in that picture.  I was the seed pressed in on every side unable to feel any sense of hope for breakthrough or the existence of an ever-present gardener.

I’ve also come to understand that this metaphor applies to many facets of life.  It’s a great picture about our lives from start to finish, but it also applies to seasons of life.  Right now, I don’t feel so pressed down (maybe I’m starting to sprout), but I still don’t see the breakthrough happening.  But there have been other times in my life when I’ve been above the surface and have felt the sun shining on me.  So even when my next breakthrough comes, I can also be sure that I will be the seed once again.  It’s a constant cycle, one that does not end until we’re plucked from the earth and enjoyed at the Creator’s table.

I hope that wherever you are at in your growth cycle that you remember that you are not gone from God’s sight.  He has planted you right where he wants you for a reason and will see you through every phase of growth.  Be still, trust in his timing for change, and when it’s right, you will bloom into the fullness of all that God has created you to be.

Look at life through rose colored glasses, even when you’re a seed covered in dirt.

It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay

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PamAside from the odd job here and there, I’ve basically been unemployed for nearly two years.  In fact, I haven’t had a full-time job since I was laid off in 2008.  To say it has been a “struggle” would be a gross understatement.

Mind you, it hasn’t been all doom and gloom over the past few years, but I spent a lot of time questioning life choices while making futile attempts at convincing hiring managers to choose me over the next desperately seeking Susan.

So when a friend of mine propositioned me about a solid job opening, I was compelled to consider applying for the position.  The job was completely unrelated to anything I had my professional sights set on, but I figured the responsible thing to do was apply for the job and accept my lot because maybe God’s will for my life included taking this sharp right turn in a new direction.

In the middle of the interview I was carrying on a fantastic inner monologue.  I kept asking myself, “Do you really want this job?  Why do you keep selling yourself so hard to get the position?  Stop trying to make yourself look good! This is not the time to be competitive!” and so on and so forth.

Even during the interview I knew this wasn’t where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do, but I continued to tell myself, “Suck it up and be an adult.  You’ve prayed a long time for a job, so take it if it’s offered to you.”  Ten minutes after I left the interview the job was offered to me.  I accepted it and cried every day for at least a solid week.

To be fair, I had a lot of good reasons to accept the job.  The work environment and co-workers are fantastic, the idea of doing my part to help people get the care they needed sounded amazing (and it was), and praying with the staff at the start of the workday was incredible.  So for those reasons, I knew I didn’t make a bad decision but I certainly didn’t make a right one either.

However, it didn’t take long for me to reach the breaking point; shortly after taking the job I gave my two weeks notice.

This was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make because: 1.) I don’t like to quit, 2.) I don’t want to be viewed as a quitter, and 3.) I was well aware that I’d be letting down a few people in the process especially since I unintentionally gave the false impression that I was happy to be employed.

Long story already long, here’s what I learned from this experience.  First of all, go with your gut.  From the get go, I felt a heavy burden of hesitation but went through with my decision because I thought taking this job was the responsible thing to do.  Turns out, it would have been more responsible to trust my instincts and pass on the job instead of dragging myself (and others) into the consequences of my wrong choices.

Secondly, don’t allow outside pressure or hype to rule your decisions.  I got so caught up in the excitement of the situation that I didn’t give myself the proper time I needed to make a good choice.  I let the positive influence of others – and the fact that I didn’t want to turn away their welcomed assistance – push me into something I didn’t really want to do.

I’m a natural people-pleaser, and unfortunately my inclinations to please the people led to making things quite unpleasant for all parties involved.  Sometimes not having other’s best interests in mind before your own is what is truly best for everybody.

Lastly, be brave. Whether you’re making decisions about a job, the possibility of a relationship, or other potentially life-altering choices, have the guts to make the RIGHT choice.  It takes just as much courage to say no as it does to say yes – even if what is offered to you is of great value.

So there you go, kids, another page ripped from my book of difficult life lessons.  Everything you do may not be right, but if you learn from it, eventually it’ll all be okay.

Band of Gold

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Sometimes I really don’t know if owning up to my nerdy interests is hurting or helping my social life.  I’m the kind of girl who reads for fun (gasp!), digs superheroes, loves British television (Downton Abbey, Doctor Who – I’m officially in love with the 10th Doctor, btw), and would much rather attend Comic Con than a girly tea party any day… unless that tea party happens to take place in London in which case I’m grabbing my biggest hat and heading out the door (supposing a Tardis isn’t already available, of course – see Doctor Who reference).

But whether or not you’re as well versed in the nerd culture as I am, you’ve probably heard a thing or two about the fandom that is the Lord of the Rings.  You know, hobbits, wizards, creepy, balding, bipolar creatures obsessed with jewelry – that stuff, them peoples.  The movies are epic, the books are… difficult, and the soundtrack is inspiring.  It’s the stuff that great novels and their spin-offs are made of.

One of the more famous characters from the Lord of the Rings franchise is Gollum.  He’s that creepy, bone thin, overly cooked hot dog, wide-eyed, creature who openly expresses his obsession with “the ring.”  The sight of him creeps me out and every time he calls the ring his “prrreeccciouuuusss” I just want to throw him in the river.  Yes, I feel that passionately about him.

However, as much as I don’t like him, he’s probably, in my opinion, one of the most well written characters throughout literary history.  Tolkien didn’t settle on creating Gollum to be a one-dimensional character; Gollum is, in one body, two people.  He is Gollum (the evil version of himself) and Smeagol (the nicer, yet equally creepy version of himself).

Gollum is the guy who is overcome with selfishness, greed, and obsession.  Smeagol, meanwhile, hates the ring for the way it has overtaken his life.  He wants the ring destroyed because the ring is destroying him.

I don’t know if Tolkien purposely wrote this character to show the human battle between flesh and spirit and right and wrong, but that’s exactly what he did by creating this literary enigma.

There was one time in my very early years when in a toy store I spotted a kid-sized red car with a yellow top.  According to my parents’ legend, I climbed in the car and it was a… “struggle” to get me out.  They said I never reacted that way to any toy and was never the kind of kid to get all crazy over stuff like that.  I’m still not, but I’m pretty sure if you put me in a Camaro or Dodge Challenger I’d have a similar reaction – just sayin’.

As it turns out, I did end up getting that car.  Just to clarify, my parents didn’t buy it for me that day – they didn’t reward bratty behavior and they’d definitely be the first ones to ship me off to Singapore if I ever acted like “that kid.”  Although my parents recognized my extreme passion for motor vehicles and would give me the world if they could, they understood the value of raising someone who isn’t given what they want simply because they demanded or felt entitled to receive it.  I’m thankful for having parents who know how to give me what I need over what I want.

I can say with 100% certainty this instance was the first and last time a material possession caused that kind of reaction in me.  I’ve learned that stuff is just stuff and if I really want something then I’ll work to get it and be content if it never becomes mine.  I am a non-material girl living in a material world.

My dreams on the other hand have become my “rings.”  Getting married, having the dream job, etc., have at one time or another turned me into the Gollum/Smeagol character.  These things, while certainly not bad in and of themselves, have caused me to act, well, crazy.  I’ve cried, whined, yelled, kicked, screamed – all the things extreme fits are made of.  At times, I’ve gotten so focused on WHAT I think my dreams should look like and WHEN I think they should happen that instead of being content and trusting in God’s plan and timing I straight up turn into a Gollum.

Fortunately, God – in all His love, grace, and mercy towards me – hasn’t given in to my crazy fits or demands.  He’s helped the Smeagol to overtake the Gollum in me and has given me the strength to overcome that nasty, obsessive, think I know better than the Creator of the Universe, mentality.

Yes, it’s an ongoing process, but He’s teaching me how to let go of my will so that His can be done.  And so far I’ve found that His way and timing (though not always to my liking) is far better than my own.  Oh to think of the bullets I have dodged.

Whatever your “rings” are in your life, stick ‘em in your pocket and continue on in your journey.  Yep, they’re going to call out to you, tempt you, and drive you crazy until you reach your destination, but it’s far better to own the ring than to be owned by the ring.

So carry on, Hobbits! Enjoy the journey and remember that the Author of your life knows the beginning, end, and every twist of your story.  You are His precious.

Not Like The Movies

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It’s not often that my life imitates art, but every now and then something so epic happens that makes me think, “Wow, that was just like a movie.”  The story I’m about to tell you was one of those moments.

So far, I haven’t had any cinematic experiences such as Jake Ryan pulling up in his sports car rescuing me from a horrible birthday or Ferris Bueller taking me on the greatest ditch day of all time.  Rather, I’ve had the great misfortune of living a moment straight out of Say Anything.

I’d love to tell you someone stood outside my door with a stereo above their head blaring “In Your Eyes”.  In fact, I still dream of that happening to me.  What did happen, however, was the famous pen incident.

Let me set up the scene for you.  Teenage heartthrob Lloyd Dobler (a.k.a. John Cusack) was living the dream having nabbed Diane “brain trapped in the body of a game show hostess” Court.  Things were going great until, well, they just weren’t, and when she breaks up with him she gives him a pen asking him to continue to write to her.  I suppose that would be the modern day equivalent of telling someone, “send me a message me on Facebook.”  Ouch.

Devastated, Lloyd calls his sister and delivers the line that would one day ring true in my own life: “I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”  Total rejection courtesy of office supplies.  Thank you, Staples.

So one Christmas many years ago it was my personal mission to pick out THE PERFECT gift for the guy I was convinced was the love of my life.  My poor mom had to endure the crowds at the mall while I put all my energy into finding something that would be the perfect token of my love and affection.  Unfortunately, the key to his heart was not on sale, so I just settled for a nice shirt.

Finally it came time for the big gift exchange.  I came bouncing in with a huge smile on my face thinking this would be the first gift of our many Christmases together and I could hardly wait to see his reaction.  He opened the gift and at least seemed to really like it and I was pleased by his response.

Then it was my turn to open his gift to me.  It was a long, small box and all I could think was, “Oh my gosh! Is this a bracelet or a necklace???”  It was neither.  It was in fact a fancy pen.  I gave him my heart in the form of a button-up shirt and he gave me a pen.  Insult to injury, not only was I not the only female recipient of said pen, he also gave me the SAME PEN (with socks) the following year.  I graciously accepted the gift as well as all the bonus rejection that came with it.  Yep.  Life was just like the movies.

In the years that followed, I discovered a couple of things: 1.) This guy was definitely not the love of my life, and 2.) This would not be the last time I would give away my heart and receive a pen (figuratively speaking) in exchange.

However, the pen has come to represent more than just failed romantic aspirations in my life.  For example, I’ve done everything I know to do to get a job (i.e. earn a degree or two, network, apply) and life keeps handing me the “we’re not going to even acknowledge you sent us a resume” pen.  Sadly, I know I’m not the only graduate who has been handed this load of ink.

And after having acquired quite the collection of these ballpoint rejections, it’s become easier and easier to make room on the desk expecting more to be added to the clutter.  In other words, I’ve come to anticipate disappointment rather than expecting victory in various parts of my life.

Which brings me to this morning.  While I won’t go into detail about what I’m currently dealing with, let’s just say I started making room on my desk for another pen.  And just as I was figuratively clearing some space, something strange happened: “In Your Eyes” came on the radio and the picture of Lloyd standing outside Diane’s window came to mind.

This image reminded me I don’t have to settle, I don’t have to accept another pen or believe that I’m only worthy to receive office supplies as the consolation prize for my hopes and dreams.  The movie doesn’t end with Lloyd accepting the pen or that his dream is over; Lloyd gets creative, turns up the volume on the stereo (as well as the collar on his jacket) as a demonstration to his woman and the world that he’s not giving up on her.  He doesn’t accept defeat; he uses this as an opportunity to rise to the challenge and take hold of what he believes rightfully belongs to him.

So whatever your pens are in life, it’s time to throw them away and start working on creating a new playlist in your head that drowns out the negativity.  Turn on whatever “song” you need to blare at your dream to keep you hopeful, focused, and to remind you to never settle for the consolation prize.

Several years and disappointments have passed since I first got that pen.  There are dreams still yet to be fulfilled and my Lloyd Dobler still hasn’t shown up at my doorstep, boom box in hands proclaiming his undying love for me – heck, even music blaring from an iPhone would work at this point – but I’m hopeful and am slowly but surely starting to believe I don’t have to settle for anything less than something that’s just like the movies.

So bring it on, Lloyd Dobler.  I’m ready to board that plane to England.  3… 2… 1….