Tag Archives: Trust

If I Could Turn Back Time

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The-Prince-of-Egypt-1998Full disclosure, this post is not about Cher nor is it an exegesis of the timeless classic that inspired the name of this post. Just wanted to disappoint you now before you continued to travel along with me on this Cher-less journey.

Speaking of disappointment, let’s get down to it and talk about the past…

February is a tough month for me. Actually, February is tough for a lot of people mostly because of the poop parade that is Valentine’s Day (I’m clearly not a fan of that fabricated holiday), but that’s just more fuel on my wildfire. The reason this month is tough is because it reminds me of some especially good moments in my life, the brief window where everything felt right and my heart and mind was still firmly intact. For me, processing through painful moments is much easier than reflecting on the good stuff because the good stuff was pretty good… or at least I thought it was.

As it turns out, the good times I’m alluding to and don’t feel much like going into detail about weren’t all that great. Retrospect and gaining information that was not afforded to me at the time, showed me that I was living in the matrix and what I thought was good and real and true was all a facade. Still, despite the knowledge I now possess and the amount of time that has passed, when this time of year rolls around (and, let’s be honest, many times before and after), I still think about and long to be back in that time and space, safely tucked inside my happy ball of disillusionment.

But here’s the thing: I am not the first nor will I be the last to struggle with longing for what’s behind me even if what is gone was not actually good. If you’ve ever watched or heard of the AMAZING animated feature The Prince of Egypt (the book is better), it’s the true story (with some artistic license) about Moses leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt and toward the promised land – it’s pretty epic.

Anyway, if the movie had a sequel, it would most likely be about their excruciatingly long journey to the promised land. Even though the best was ahead of them, the people struggled to keep their focus forward and often voiced their longing to go back to Egypt where things like food and water were in guaranteed supply. Although free from a life of slavery, the uncertainties and hardships of the desert journey skewed their retrospect and made them long for a more painful and oppressive life that was, to them, more comfortable and secure.

I used to scoff at the dumbness of the Israelites who longed for slavery over freedom until I found myself in a similar situation. I’ve spent far too many days longing for the (false) good times and wishing I were given the opportunity to relive and rewrite history. I’ve found myself thinking, “Well, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all” or “I really miss this person” or worse, “I messed everything up. It was my fault that things turned out the way they did.” I was so broken, tired, and insecure about the future that I lost sight of the muck I was really freed from and how so much greater is ahead of me.

I’m not saying good memories are actually bad or that you can’t look back on your past with fondness – Lord knows how many truly good times and people I miss that I wish I could go back to. But when whatever desert you’re roaming through becomes especially treacherous and difficult to navigate, it’s tempting to rewrite or romanticize the things that were, in all reality, a source of oppression rather than freedom.

So what do we do? How do we leave Egypt in Egypt and press on to a life of freedom, hope, and healing even though the path to our promised lands is filled with uncertainty? To be perfectly honest, I don’t fully know the answer to those questions. We’re all on different journeys and require different methods. What’s worked for me, however, is time, community, forward focus, and gratitude.

First, time. The further you get away from Egypt, the better you can see your promised land and gain true perspective on the oppression you were living in. It doesn’t always make the journey through the desert any easier, but it helps. Second, community. You’re not in this alone. I’ll write more about this later, but I can’t stress enough how valuable my community has been in my healing process over the past few years. Whether your community comes in the form of friends, family, pastors, or counselors, just know that the best way to stay out of Egypt is to surround yourself with those who cheer you on to keep moving ahead and remind you of the truth of your past and your future. Third, forward focus. You can’t successfully move forward if you’re always looking behind you. Find ways to keep you focused on your promised land. Whether that’s creating vision boards, starting projects that will help you make progress toward your goals and/or new self, or whatever that looks like for you, just take action to keep your eyes focused ahead on the life of freedom, healing, and wholeness that you deserve. Lastly, practice gratitude. Thank God for what you were freed from, thank Him for what lies ahead, thank Him for the struggles (past and present) that have shaped who you are and who you will become, and thank Him for the “what could have beens” that He no doubtedly saved you from. It really makes a difference to be intentionally thankful and speak out your gratitude that Egypt is behind you and the promised land is yet to come (or has arrived!).

And while I’m not leaving this month without having acquired a few bumps and bruises along the way, I am closing it out feeling even more freer from my Egypt than I’ve ever been before and with a deep confidence that a redemption greater than I can hope for or imagine is on its way. And the same is possible for you. Keep on keeping on, weary travelers. Egypt’s got nothing on your promised land.

Band of Gold

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Sometimes I really don’t know if owning up to my nerdy interests is hurting or helping my social life.  I’m the kind of girl who reads for fun (gasp!), digs superheroes, loves British television (Downton Abbey, Doctor Who – I’m officially in love with the 10th Doctor, btw), and would much rather attend Comic Con than a girly tea party any day… unless that tea party happens to take place in London in which case I’m grabbing my biggest hat and heading out the door (supposing a Tardis isn’t already available, of course – see Doctor Who reference).

But whether or not you’re as well versed in the nerd culture as I am, you’ve probably heard a thing or two about the fandom that is the Lord of the Rings.  You know, hobbits, wizards, creepy, balding, bipolar creatures obsessed with jewelry – that stuff, them peoples.  The movies are epic, the books are… difficult, and the soundtrack is inspiring.  It’s the stuff that great novels and their spin-offs are made of.

One of the more famous characters from the Lord of the Rings franchise is Gollum.  He’s that creepy, bone thin, overly cooked hot dog, wide-eyed, creature who openly expresses his obsession with “the ring.”  The sight of him creeps me out and every time he calls the ring his “prrreeccciouuuusss” I just want to throw him in the river.  Yes, I feel that passionately about him.

However, as much as I don’t like him, he’s probably, in my opinion, one of the most well written characters throughout literary history.  Tolkien didn’t settle on creating Gollum to be a one-dimensional character; Gollum is, in one body, two people.  He is Gollum (the evil version of himself) and Smeagol (the nicer, yet equally creepy version of himself).

Gollum is the guy who is overcome with selfishness, greed, and obsession.  Smeagol, meanwhile, hates the ring for the way it has overtaken his life.  He wants the ring destroyed because the ring is destroying him.

I don’t know if Tolkien purposely wrote this character to show the human battle between flesh and spirit and right and wrong, but that’s exactly what he did by creating this literary enigma.

There was one time in my very early years when in a toy store I spotted a kid-sized red car with a yellow top.  According to my parents’ legend, I climbed in the car and it was a… “struggle” to get me out.  They said I never reacted that way to any toy and was never the kind of kid to get all crazy over stuff like that.  I’m still not, but I’m pretty sure if you put me in a Camaro or Dodge Challenger I’d have a similar reaction – just sayin’.

As it turns out, I did end up getting that car.  Just to clarify, my parents didn’t buy it for me that day – they didn’t reward bratty behavior and they’d definitely be the first ones to ship me off to Singapore if I ever acted like “that kid.”  Although my parents recognized my extreme passion for motor vehicles and would give me the world if they could, they understood the value of raising someone who isn’t given what they want simply because they demanded or felt entitled to receive it.  I’m thankful for having parents who know how to give me what I need over what I want.

I can say with 100% certainty this instance was the first and last time a material possession caused that kind of reaction in me.  I’ve learned that stuff is just stuff and if I really want something then I’ll work to get it and be content if it never becomes mine.  I am a non-material girl living in a material world.

My dreams on the other hand have become my “rings.”  Getting married, having the dream job, etc., have at one time or another turned me into the Gollum/Smeagol character.  These things, while certainly not bad in and of themselves, have caused me to act, well, crazy.  I’ve cried, whined, yelled, kicked, screamed – all the things extreme fits are made of.  At times, I’ve gotten so focused on WHAT I think my dreams should look like and WHEN I think they should happen that instead of being content and trusting in God’s plan and timing I straight up turn into a Gollum.

Fortunately, God – in all His love, grace, and mercy towards me – hasn’t given in to my crazy fits or demands.  He’s helped the Smeagol to overtake the Gollum in me and has given me the strength to overcome that nasty, obsessive, think I know better than the Creator of the Universe, mentality.

Yes, it’s an ongoing process, but He’s teaching me how to let go of my will so that His can be done.  And so far I’ve found that His way and timing (though not always to my liking) is far better than my own.  Oh to think of the bullets I have dodged.

Whatever your “rings” are in your life, stick ‘em in your pocket and continue on in your journey.  Yep, they’re going to call out to you, tempt you, and drive you crazy until you reach your destination, but it’s far better to own the ring than to be owned by the ring.

So carry on, Hobbits! Enjoy the journey and remember that the Author of your life knows the beginning, end, and every twist of your story.  You are His precious.