So…. turns out it’s been four years and three months since my last post. At that time, we were one month into the pandemic, we blinked, and now we’re here. Wow.

Thinking about everything that’s happened in my life since that post, it’s no wonder many of the things I’ve written over the past few years have stayed in my drafts folder—life kicked the shit out of me and I just didn’t have it in me to finish writing anything. I won’t go into detail about what happened over the last four years (not in this post anyway), but I learned about loss, grief, pain, and anxiety—and sometimes joy and breakthrough—in new and sometimes horrifying ways.

The purpose of this resurrection post is not just to get back on the writing saddle, but to tell you about the unexpected outcome of life kicking me in the balls: I became brave.

Stating the obvious here, but bravery comes in different forms. For example, my goddaughter Kiahna has competed in weightlifting competitions and is fierce AF. Not many can do what this girl does (definitely not me) and I trust that she’d protect me in most situations. MOST, being the key word here.

One day when we were out getting tacos, a bee came for her plate and she instantly jumped up and started panicking and lightly screaming (a perfectly logical reaction). Without a second thought, I stared that bee square in its bee face and started swatting and swearing at it until it left Kiahna and her tacos alone. My little damsel in distress then said to me, “You’re so brave!” and I instantly felt like the newest member of the Avengers. So as you can see, bravery is relative. She can lift weights and probably throw them at your face, but I’ll be the one to defend you and your tacos from unwanted guests.

Anyway, the bravery badge I earned as a result of the past four years is the bravery to be my true self, in all her messy, weird, and glorious forms. I don’t feel the need to show all my cards ever, but I’m done presenting a severely edited version of myself to the world. Editing myself all these years has proven to be constricting and painful and caused me to hold myself back from living the life I was truly meant to live.

It’s pretty much that whole concept of being backed into a corner, and now you have to make the decision of whether or not you’re going to fight or cower. And after everything I’ve been through over the last four years, cowering was no longer an option so I decided to suck it up, start fighting, and only give a fuck about what God thinks of me and what I think about myself… which, as you can see, also involves a light amount of swearing from time to time and not feeling guilty about it.

I can’t blame it on any one thing as to why it’s taken me this long to just be free to be me. I mean, it’s definitely rooted in fear, I can say that much, but whether it’s been my own insecurities or the expectation of others (real or imagined) that have been placed on me, I learned that I’m much more likely to live in fullness and abundance if I just let go, take my seat at the table, and not be afraid to take my rightful place in this world.

Has this process been easy? No. Am I scared shitless? Absolutely. Will people’s opinions of me begin to change based on how I’m living my life now? Probably. Do I care? Not at all. I am and will continue to be and promote being a good human—just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I DON’T CARE—it’s just that now I’m no longer going to allow myself or anyone else to hold me back from being my true self.

And for the record, here’s a few things that have changed (so far) as a result of this new way of living: 1.) The fear of being stagnant in my life became greater than my fear of flying, and I’ve since gone on three epic trips to the east coast,  2.) I went out with and was eventually ghosted by a cute guy, but because of the healing I’ve gone through, I was able to give him the metaphorical middle finger and move on with my life quite quickly, 3.) I walked away from a toxic work environment, with no job prospect on the horizon, because I knew that if I was going to die it wasn’t going to be because of the stress resulting from working for a vile boss, and 4.) My creativity has blossomed in new ways and I’m finally admitting to myself and the world that I want to be in the acting world and I’m actually taking the steps to get in there.

To sum it up, bravery, when done right, will eventually result in peace. Whether that’s finding peace while you’re standing at the start of something scary and new, confidence that you made the right decision in a difficult time, or simply being at peace that you’re no longer holding the parts of yourself back that are meant to be shared, being brave is worth the fight, even if your greatest opponent is yourself.

So here we go, world. I encourage you to be brave enough to be your true self and to live life to the absolute fullest. It may be nauseating and terrifying at times—trust me, it will be if you’re doing it right—but it’s a whole lotta fun.